Looking for Equality at Home? You May Want to Try Fair Play

It happens to me all the time. I’m trying to get dressed, eat my breakfast, and wake up. Then, as if on an alternating schedule, my girls run in with one crisis after the other. “I can’t find my shoe!” one yells. She exits, but is followed by the other, who announces “I need help with the toothpaste!” These requests come to me, though my husband is in the same situation and in the same room. Why do they always come to me? Why does it always seem to be my job?

If this sounds familiar at all, you may want to check out the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky which was released late last year. Rodsky went to law school, so MothersEsquire members may like the analytical way she processes the problems of managing home life, but her bailiwick is organizational management. She understands how organizations run most efficiently and had the brilliant idea to apply those concepts to the domestic sphere.

Unfortunately, though, even Rodsky’s knowledge of these processes couldn’t shield her from inequality in the home. I listened to the audio version of Fair Play and could hear Rodsky’s anger seep through as she described her own starting point for obtaining parity with her spouse. Her voice seethed with resentment as she described an afternoon at a charity 5k with mom friends where she—and every other mom present—received texts from their spouses asking for direction and assistance as each “managed” the kids at home. After this incident, Rodsky realized that she had unwittingly taken on the role of domestic manager though she had wanted a far different role: partner.

So, what is Rodsky’s advice? Well, Fair Play doesn’t exactly tell you what the proper division should be; rather it provide a process—in reality a card game—to divide things up. You can check out the deck of cards here. Much of the book is devoted to explaining the rules of this game, including a comprehensive list of the tasks needed to run a household with children and a set of detailed rules for dividing up the cards between the players (most likely you and your partner). By this process, the person holding the card for a given task is responsible for completing the task.

But what about the fact that your partner may not always do a given task up to your standards? Fortunately, Rodsky even accounts for this. In a fashion that MothersEsquire members can appreciate, she applies the tort concept of “standard of care” to each task. She discusses ways that the game players can define what constitutes satisfactory completion of a given task to avoid crises and fights. “Yeah,” you might say, “but what about the fact that my partner has to ask me for advice at every step of making a box of mac and cheese for the kids?” Rodsky also gives you tips for thinking through and then discussing a task holistically from planning to execution to avoid these impromptu attempts to redelegate tasks back to you.

Overall, Fair Play has some great thoughts and tips. As someone who has been married for 10 years and has already fought a lot of these battles with some degree of success, the game process seemed like it would be a substantial investment of time. While I didn’t use the full game, I have already used one tip from the book: asking my husband to consider whether he felt like his time was worth more than mine. He easily admitted that he didn’t think so and eventually agreed to take over the job of cleaning the bathrooms in the house, since I handle most of the general tidying up. Thus, even without the full game, you can still use tips from Fair Play to reshuffle your metaphorical card deck of tasks.

Fair Play is an important next installment on the continuing discussion of domestic equality. Though it is extremely rational in approach, it does not shy away from addressing the toxic emotions that can arise from inequality. What’s more, it discusses in-depth the practical costs of inequality: that women tend to miss time in their “unicorn spaces”—where we can try creative endeavors, pursue career ambitions, or just relax—because we are bogged down by household management.

Even if you don’t want to sit down at the kitchen table with the Fair Play card deck with your partner, the book still offers a lot. First, it reminds us working moms that maybe we aren’t alone if we haven’t figured out the secret to true equality in the home. Second, it offers the insight that equality just doesn’t happen on its own; instead most of us have to think it through and work to achieve it. And, third, it offers tangible steps about how to go about working towards equality. If you are looking for any or all of these things, give Fair Play a read.